I suspect that there is someone in your life you have tried to reform to some degree. Whether it has been as benign as
getting her to put the cap back on the toothpaste or getting him to exercise on a regular basis, you probably have tried…and
most likely failed to change someone. You know, I know, we can't change other people, we can only change ourselves.
All that said…there are possibilities for reform.
In particular, reform of some message board members is possible, do-able and can reap great rewards. Just like with children,
the sooner you undertake reform, the more likely it will be to work. This isn't something that is generally successful
with a member who has been out of control and is looking to be banned AGAIN. This is for those destined to be members of Future
Flamers of iVillage.
Here are some things to keep in mind as you begin to realize that your new member is not going to be woven into the fabric
of your board without some knots:
1. Be clear to the board that while tearing apart the argument is perfectly acceptable, rudeness to a member never
is allowed.
2. Is your member trying to be queen of the subtle put-down? Her posts aren't violating TOS, but they have a
nasty edge? She could just be testing your self-confidence. She wants control of the board…either from you as cl/cm
or from the member(s) she sees as powerful. Don't react defensively. Coach the other board members not to react defensively.
One way to disengage this is to ask open-ended questions to allow the person to vent, share opinions, and steer her away from
putting you or others down. "What is it about _________ that is bad?"
3. Bring a sense of humor to the situation. Laugh at yourself. Let the members tease you a bit. Be sure not
to poke fun at your member. It could cause her to feel baited, attacked, and angry
4. Remember that often it isn't the member that is what you can change. Teach your members by example and through
posts, and sometimes emails, not to react to a rabble-rouser.
5. Ask your problem member to share more about her life. The more you know about the member, the less likely
she is to be a bully. She will feel appreciated; to some degree vulnerable as well as connected to the group.
6. Bat for your problem member's side occasionally. Find something you agree with in her post and validate her
opinion. Elaborate on it.
Yell for me if you need an ear or a hand with a problem member. Even if it is only one TOS line walking post but
you feel she is headed towards being a permanent problem on the board. Even if she hasn't violated TOS or come close, a member
can be annoying and we can talk about how to work some reform magic.
